Are we in a gay sports bar?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
