my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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