hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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