You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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