now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
