I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
