I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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