one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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