I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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