If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
