I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
