umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
