What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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