I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
