just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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