Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
