guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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