i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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