Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
