NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
