Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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