If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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