Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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