Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
