So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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