Soap is not a condiment
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
