You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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