omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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