Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
