also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
