Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum