I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
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I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights