I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
