dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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