Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
