why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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