So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
