The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
