I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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