There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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