Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
