If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
