How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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