Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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