Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
