Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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