I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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