captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
