She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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