i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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