I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
