Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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