i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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