This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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