wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
